Local office assistant and half-cocked comedian Katie Stone was found frozen in place leaving her workplace today after suffering what the DSM is now calling SXSW FOMO-induced paralysis.
SXSW FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is a well documented medical condition existant in Austin since roughly 1988. Hospitalizations from the disease are up 60% this year from years previous. While doctors are unsure to what degree the population at large is affected, conservative estimates suggest that 92% of Austin’s youth and 99.7% of anybody who’s anybody currently suffer from a form of SXSW FOMO.
“I just, I don’t know. I saw some pictures of friends partying with Lady Gaga at Elysium, and I just… I just…” says 27 year old pedicabber/guitarist Meredith Smith. Smith, currently affected by the disease, then sat down and held a Wendy’s bag to her face as she hyperventilated. “This food wasn’t even free!” she then exclaimed, panicked. “My friend Miles just got hot dogs for free, and he even ate them while looking at Snoop Lion! Dogg! Lion!” Smith hyperventilated further before choking on what seemed to be chicken nugget crumbs and frantically scrolling through her Instagram.
Smith’s FOMO is by no means the worst we encountered. Auto mechanic and painter Jason Gonzalez was seen walking back and forth from Congress to Red River for two hours. “I don’t know what to do!” he told us. “Chrissy and Kelly are going to the Childish Gambino party, but Jake and Mason are sitting behind Seth Rogen at the Yellow Jacket!” The soles of his shoes appeared to have run through and in his hands were the remains of eight different Kind bars he’d been handed as he walked.
Stone’s paralysis was evidently the third of it’s kind reported since the conference’s founding in 1987. While Stone’s family have requested that we not publish any photos of the afflicted, her roommate did agree to comment on her condition.
“Do you remember in the second Harry Potter movie where Hermione gets petrified and she’s lying in the bed all weird like? It’s just like that,” says Kameko Jacobs, 25. “Except with high-waisted shorts.”
Psychologists say that despite her evident susceptibility, it is highly uncommon for even a 24-year-old “creative” [sic] to reach this level of SXSW FOMO affliction, and it could not have occurred without some level of increased provocation. Friends report that Stone’s friends were “a lot cooler this year than in years past” and “way more into good music and comedy and stuff.”
Stone’s personal history is not without warning signs, however. Last year, she suffered from an intense bout of SXSW FOMO standing in a three hour brunch line watching a twitter feed full of missed opportunities. In a temporary mental break, Stone began to tweet fantasies from the brunch line. “Just saw the Rolling Stones play on the S 1st Street Bridge! #lifechanging” read one. “OH MAN I JUST MADE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CRY!” read another. Sources say Stone returned to sanity after exclaiming “Ugh, the Fader Fort line just opened, I am gonna hit that,” and then having six free drinks.
Leading up to today’s incident, Stone’s coworker, Judy Samson, reportedly asked a departing Stone what her plans were for the evening. Stone began to reply, but her speed and pitch both increased rapidly as she listed as many as 17 different options of plans for her evening. Samson recalls hearing the words “free drinks,” “well-known,” and “RSVP,” but could understand very little in between. Stone then froze in place gnawing on what appeared to be a days-old Spotify House wristband.
Doctors estimate that Stone will have regained consciousness by tomorrow evening, but will be kept on a strict regimen of watching True Detective in her pajamas until this week’s conference is completely over.
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