A complete compendium of the cars that make my heart stop

Breaking up is gross. All of your happiest memories become instantly infused with this sticky little facet that reminds you that loneliness is a lifelong cycle. Stupid things become tear triggers: action figures, Alex Trebek, the song “Closing Time,” ramen.

But the biggest trigger of all is always the car. The car came to pick you up on the first date. The car took you to your romantic vacation in San Antonio. (Someone please take me on a romantic vacation somewhere other than San Antonio.) The car carried them away the day they left. The car could carry them back to you any second now!!!! Just wait!!!!!

This is a complete list of the cars that I cannot see without having a visceral reaction, a turning in my stomach like going downhill on a roller coaster after eating funnel cake. Fiesta Texas, indeed.

CamryThe 1997 Toyota Camry. Color: Grey

The 1997 Toyota Camry is the warhorse of cars. My high school boyfriend drove this car when we dated in 2006, AND HE STILL DRIVES THIS CAR. The 1997 Toyota Camry will outlive us all. We will ride 97 Camrys into battle against our alien invaders when the end comes. The 97 Camry will be the vessel that picks us up from our graves when we are raptured.

SolaraThe 2002 Toyota Solara. Color: Silver

Lol, no one drives this car. The only person who would ever buy this car is a 17 year old boy from Bulgaria who is still pretty obsessed with capitalism because it is SO COOL AND FRESH AND NEW and very much the opposite of the famine that overtook his country when he was born in 1988. I am guessing he has a much nicer car now but still really likes Hentai.

MotorbikeA 1987 Motorbike from the DDR. Color: RED SCARE

I haven’t seen one of these since the day I left Germany but if I did I’d be extra fuckin freaked out because this monstrous beast gave me a massive scar on my leg to match the one on my heart. Did you know you’re not supposed to wear bright blue H&M booty shorts on a motorbike ride through the German countryside?

Idk, I’ve dated a lot of communists.

2011 JettaThe 2011 Volkswagon Jetta. Color: Black

This car is almost as ubiquitous as the Camry. Sleek and practical, there are hundreds if not thousands in this town, so my ex did me a solid and put a KUTX sticker on the back so that my stomach wouldn’t jump into my throat at just any ole Jetta. Then he also did me a HUGE SOLID and started dating my neighbor and parked it across from my house every other night for all of 2013.

VersaThe 2009 Nissan Versa. Color: Silver

Do they even make Nissan Versas that ARENT silver? I have never seen one. I’ve seen more diversity in Trabants. The Nissan Versa: For Choosey Men Who Don’t Choose to Choose. The Nissan Versa: Versa-tile, but not Di-Verse, ah? The Nissan Versa: BURN THEM. BURN THEM ALL.

FitThe 2016 Honda Fit. Color: Steel

Shouts out to my ex for buying new! Also for waiting until I crashed my own Honda Fit to end our relationship so that I wouldn’t have to freak the fuck out every time I saw MY OWN GODDAMN CAR.

 

My most serious adult relationship ended just a few weeks after my ex got a new car, which, IMO, is the correct and only time to end a relationship. I have since totaled my car and gotten a new one just to return that sweet favor unto him. I even put a bumper sticker on it so you can know if I’m in front of you in traffic! Ugh, I am SUCH a sweetheart.

Onward, upward, can’t wait until there are literally no cars I can see without puking. 😉

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