My goddamn resume, jeez, lay off.

Ugh, just give me a job, OK? I have all sorts of apropos experience. Just look:

A Moveable Feast or some punny catering shit, Cocktail Waitress, Summer 2008

  • Tried to get someone kicked out of an open-bar wedding for being over-served because they made it seem in training like that actually happened.
  • Was, at 19, hit on by a 40 year old married man who told¬†me he, too, “was a working man.”¬†Heavens me, I should have let him rescue me!
  • Was studying German at the time and there was another German BA working with me. “Not to worry,” he told me. “This isn’t my main gig. I’m also a pretty accomplished local magician.”

Gwinnett County Health Department, Pool Inspector, Summer 2009

  • Shrieked at a pregnant woman to get out of an unchlorinated pool and sent her weeping into the showers.
  • Found a bra in an emergency call box in an old folks home, and the geriatric volunteers sent to lead me through the complex chucked and high fived.
  • Realized one apartment complex was definitely using their chemical storage room to store hard drugs and was followed at close distance by a watch car until I got far enough away.

BJ’s Brewhouse, Hostess, Summer 2011

  • Was asked by exactly the expected number of men whether BJ’s came complimentary with their order.
  • Quit after 3 months and honestly my boss didn’t even look up from his computer when I told him.

A College Access Non-Profit, National Volunteer Service, Fall 2011-Summer 2013

  • Convinced a bunch of teens to go into debt attending college. Either the Lord’s work or the Devil’s! TBD!
  • Worked with 50 23-year-olds, 100% of whom were of lesser emotional maturity than the multiple teen moms I worked with.
  • Made less money than I currently pay in rent in a year.

Everybody’s Bitch, The University of Texas, Summer 2013-Summer 2014

  • Learned 3 days after being hired that my direct supervisor chose me because she thought the honors society on my resume was a social sorority.
  • Was once told by one of the ladies who could boss me around, “Great news!!! One of our donors wives just died and we get all that money!”
  • Was instructed to remove the images of children of color from our brochures so our white donors would think more money would go to their kids.

Comedian, December 2013-Present

  • Dear god, what am I doing?
  • I am also a pretty accomplished local magician.

Marketing for an undisclosed non-profit where people are decent, Summer 2014-Present

  • This is the level of respect and circumspection you can expect for me.

 

How could you not hire this face? Look how LINKEDIN my headshot is!!!!

Call me! My mom still pays my phone bill so you know I’ll be turned on.

 

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