Hah, we know each other?

Brittany-Manning_Speech-Language-Pathology_JEY3848_750w

Google Image Search Result: Brittany

It’s super rude to forget someone that you’ve met more than one time. As someone who closely resembles literally every person you’ve ever met named Brittany, I’ve been forgotten a hundred times, and it always sucks. I’ve also met people who pretend to be creeped out if you acknowledge you recognize them from social media. Let’s not fuck around pretending we don’t know where complete strangers went to high school or who they are dating. YOU KNOW ME.

Brittany-Ellison-0004-CD

Google Image Search Result: Brittany

But also, sometimes folks fuck up. They break the aforementioned Rules of Etiquette™ and completely forget your dumb, featureless face. They’re creeped out that you know them, and it’s weird. So if someone acknowledges that they do not remember you, the polite thing to do is to excuse them and move on.

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Google Image Search Result: Brittany (I flatter myself)

“Oh, haha, we met at Sarah’s house but we were all drunk and there were so many people around! Don’t worry, you were a delight. I’m Sam!”

“It’s OK, I’ve gotten a haircut since then! I’m Jenny!”

“Oh, gosh, you know, I think you’d lost your glasses that night and I’ve also lost 20 pounds since that tapeworm destroyed most of my lower intestine. I’m Jake.”

If someone refuses to let you off the hook after you’ve told them you have no idea who they are? Well, you’re in a bind. You’re stuck. You’re miserable. You are annoyed with this asshole talking to you, and also FEEL like an asshole because, fuck, did you meet them? You’re in your own mental prison, and..

These? These are the 7 Stages of GOOD GRIEF.

1) Polite hesitance

Oh, my goodness! Yes, hi, it’s good to see you again. Remind me again the last place we ran into each other?

2) Questioning surprise

Oh, really? Huh, I haven’t been there in ages. Hahaha, was I drinking? No? Well, it’s so good to see you again.

3) Backpedaling

Oh, no, yeah. Of course I remember you! I’m so sorry to be an ass. What’s your name again? Oh, Artur. Sorry. Yeah. Like Arthur without the h. Hah. Sorry. Sorry sorry.

4) Panicked honesty

OK, please don’t touch me. Sorry, OK, no, we have never met. I have never been the place you mentioned and I did not even know you could remove the h from Arthur. I am so sorry that you have mistaken me for someone else, but I’m sure she is lovely, and I am flattered. Sorry again.

5) Plain panic

You know my credit card was stolen yesterday. Did you steal my credit card? Is this part of some sort of ponzy scheme to steal my identity? No, I do not know what ponzy means; I just assumed it was a word you put in front of scheme to make it seem more sinister.

6) Questioning own sanity

YOU SWEAR WE KNOW EACH OTHER? WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW? DO YOU KNOW CHELSEA? DO YOU KNOW ELLA? HAVE YOU ROOFIED ME BEFORE?

7) Lies and Acceptance

Oh, my goodness, Artur, it has been such a delight to see you again, but I have HUGE diarrhea right now. Really, just the worst. Oh man. I am going to run to the little girls room but I am sure I will see you around at one of our many haunts again soon! Hah, it’s really starting to come out now!

Best case scenario? You end up hiding in the bathroom at a party or bar all night, sending everyone you know increasingly heightened versions of the text, “AM I AN ASSHOLE?” before running home to watch this episode of Garfunkel and Oates 10 more times.

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One comment

  1. dannyjock · July 1, 2016

    Loved it. Great escape strategy 🙂

    Like

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