Motion to Ban Adele From Public Places

Adele is a goddess. She’s got the voice of an angel. She digs deep in herself and puts her pain on display so the whole world can hear it and relate. As an artist, I am in awe of her honesty, and as a human being, I can’t help but feel moved at the very base of my stomach when I hear her words.

Which is why we shouldn’t be playing her music in public goddamn places.


I am at brunch. I have ordered a benedict sampler and I’ve got 2 different stacks of meat and eggs sitting in front of me. I’m pumped up to sample the flesh of various animals all at once, and I am feeling REAL GOOD about all of my life decisions in this moment.

Hello, how are you?

Suddenly, I am reduced to a puddle of tears and my hollandaise is diluted by a warm saltwater brine pouring from my eyeballs.


I am in a coffee shop, and damn if I am not knocking these job applications out of the park. Getting dumped two days after you decided to quit your job is hard for the average woman, but not for me! I am a beast! I am next level! I am…

Nevermind I’ll find, someone like you

huddled under the table at Epoch, clutching my coffee cup to my chest for its warmth, so close to that sweet, human 98.6 degrees.


I am at my psychiatrist’s office for the first time. Asking for help is hard, but you know what? I’ve got steely resolve. I am here to take care of myself. I am holding it together because I am going to get through this first meeting and

Send my love to your new lover, treat her better

DEAR GOD WHY? WHY WOULD YOU PLAY THIS MUSIC TO A WAITING ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WHO ARE WAITING TO GET ANTI-ANXIETY SCRIPS? THERE ARE JUST 4 PEOPLE WEEPING HERE NOW.


There are so many songs that we could be playing in these spaces! Just a few:

  • Wannabe by the Spice Girls. Everyone’s mood is lifted by Wannabe! It’s annoying in all the right ways! Female friendship forever!
  • Call Me Al by Paul Simon! Hey, remember when Paul Simon gentrified Zydeco? What a non-threatening thing for me to get passively perturbed by while feeling lifted by some absurd-ass lyrics.
  • Blue Cantrell’s Hit Em Up Style! Hey, remember that song? We could all stand to remember that song.
  • Black Skinhead by Kanye West. Terrify whitey!!! Feel sadness replaced by anger!! Anger burns clean!!
  • The Raffi version of Octopus’s Garden. Don’t we all wish to be taken back to a simpler time? Plus underwater songs remind us of the womb! COME ON! ANYTHING BUT ADELE!

If you are a service industry professional, or a gentleperson in the reception industry (is that the PC way to say that?), go ahead and use any of these songs to build your Pandora or Spotify playlists. I don’t care if your emotional health is through the roof and you want to hear some sweet baritone crooning. Adele is for one use and one use only: to be played at full volume in a car by yourself while you scream-cry along.

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