The best low carb snacks, ranked.

The low carb diet is very glamorous. All sorts of celebrities do it, because they know that the only *true* way to look sexy is by letting a little bit of ranch dressing dribble down your chin as you try your hardest to stay full without padding your body with useless roughage like whole grains. I’ve myself been low carb dieting for close to a year – I’ve gotten rid of all sorts of useless stuff, like bread, fun, and my own boobs! Here are the top 10 low carb snacks as I see them.

10. Almonds
Almonds are great because eating almonds reminds you that if you were ever stuck in the woods, you could probably eat tree bark no problem. What’s the difference, really? Man can overcome any sort of odds.

9. Bacon
I like bacon because if you eat more than 2 slices at a time you get a little preview into what hypertension will one day feel like.

bacon_wrapped_jalapenos_1

Dip these suckers in ranch and watch your life flash before your eyes!

8. Coffee
Sometimes, I just drink so much coffee that I am too scared to do anything, even go to the fridge!

7. Beef Jerky. 
Nothing makes me feel more powerful than beef jerky. An animal gave its life for me and I’m not even going to make it a meal? I’m just going to eat it as a snack out of a plastic bag on the back of a bus next to a man jacking off? Man truly rules over the animal kingdom.

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These beef jerky undies are avail on Etsy, for the carb-conscious edible panty connoisseur

6. Pats of butter. 
Oh boy! Pats of butter are a delight. I don’t know which part I like more, the greasiness or the saltiness.

5. Zoloft
In ⅓ of people Zoloft makes you gain weight, but if you’re real lucky it can make you forget that your body ever feels hunger, all while helping you remember your brain was ever capable of love!

overfishing

4. Cheap Salmon
Did you know that many of the ways salmon are caught in this country contribute to wild overfishing and the rapid deterioration of sea life off the coast of the US? And that cheap salmon are caught in even more hazardous ways? I think about this every time I buy cheap salmon, and remember how very privileged I am to be young and attractive now, and not 50 years from now when the world is coming to a crashing end.

3. My own feelings (general)
Hah, you thought you could only eat your feelings if you were still on a diet that included ice cream and pizza? Nope! Wrong! Sure, you’ve got to get more creative. You’ve got to spend all day making something that will fill every hole in your heart, but boy howdy, it’s possible! I once ate a whole cauliflower crust pizza in a day because I got rejected by a boy! It had 2 bags of cheese in it and a whole head of cauliflower, and I farted that man right out of my body. (Hahahaha jk I lived to let him reject me again)

How-Eat-Every-Single-One-Your-Feelings

2. Cheese
This one isn’t a joke, it’s just my whole diet.

1. My own pride
“Pride is what you had, baby girl. I’m what you have.” -Ja Rule and also your hot bod as you sit picking bits of bun off of your burger at a restaurant.

ashantiandjaruleplanningjointustour

lol seriously though how fucked up and abusive is that lyric

Alright, folks, go out and knock em dead!

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