Keep me off the streets by using these services.

People seem to come to my blog for the recent breakup posts, but here’s a breakup I talk about less: my breakup with Duncan.

(Duncan is my boss’s name. I just quit my job. That’s the breakup I am talking about. Wait, what were you hoping for?)

Below are the services I am offering to supplement my income while I’m unemployed. Is this a bit or is it real, you ask? I ALSO DO NOT KNOW.

  1. I will hold you while you cry.
    Did you know that you can just ask someone to hold you while you cry without even having to have sex with them first? It’s really revolutionizing everything about my life. I’d love to be able to do this for free but given mama needs to pay rent I’m charging $20 an hour. Tissues provided.
  2. 3 of my hottest friends and I will pretend to go to your comedy/music show on Tinder social.
    I guarantee we can get at least 12 gullible dudes to show up and pay cover. Maybe have some woman hating comics/bands on the lineup for when they realize we are not there. $30 per hot chick on the Tinder social event.
  3. I’ll wingman you. HARD.
    A recent review of my wingman services: “Katie said she was going to wingman me and then she got the dude to take all of his clothes off and sit nude in the daylight for 5 hours before he made out with me.” This service is $50 a night + drinks, $80 if there’s nudity involved. Service avail to both men and women.
  4. I will roast YOUR ex on my blog.
    Listen, I think you know I’m pretty good at this. He/she did you wrong. He/she needs to be shown his/her flaws in a funny and real way. You’ll laugh and cry. He/she will laugh and cry and be pretty pissed at both of us (which is why this is the most expensive option at $100 (I should charge more but it will be SO FUN FOR ME))
  5. I’ll go through your FB photos pick the hottest pictures for your dating profiles.
    I did this for my ex before we started dating and I really regret it now, so I’d really like to be able to use these powers for good, just this once. $10. Free if you’re one of my male friends who REALLY, REALLY NEEDS IT (most of you).
    SUB-OFFER: I’ll photoshop your head on a slightly nicer body for use on your online dating profile.
    Ok, this is super against my morals, but also, I’d really like to know how realistic I could make it look? I think you’d like to know, too. We’ll evaluate fair price based on realism.

I think we can all agree these are services you want, NAY, need. HMU on all of the platforms (FB, Twitter, Gmail, my old hotmail sunnydelight3000@hotmail.com, my old myspace, my old Xanga, my old Livejournal, my parody twitter account twitter.com/drake_ula, my defunct sketch comedy Twitter account twitter.com/tssketchcomedy) to make a business deal.

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