F*ck your crush. Crush the patriarchy.

“WE TEACH GIRLS TO SEE EACH OTHER AS COMPETITORS, NOT FOR JOBS OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS, WHICH I THINK COULD BE A GOOD THING, BUT FOR THE ATTENTION OF MEN.”

In my 27 years I have in all honestly lost a number of friends due to competition over boys. My last relationship cost me a friend I really cared about. I don’t know why I let this happen. It doesn’t jive with my whole schtick. It doesn’t jive with my values.

I am endlessly lucky that through comedy, I get to be part of a community that loves and supports one another. However, a downside to any tightly knit community is that in the end, it becomes pretty incestuous. That’s a mess.

So, after a couple of months of having to think about this basically every day, here they are. My new rules. Feel free to adopt them!

If you have ever told me you have a crush on any of my friends, I will absolutely not date you.

Why? Because if I let myself like you, I’d feel competition with my friend, and she is more valuable to me than your stupid penis. IT’S PROBABLY VERY STUPID. I’LL NEVER KNOW.

If you dated one of my friends and you broke her heart, I will absolutely not date you.

Why? Because I’ve heard her cry about it, and her pain caused me pain, and amplifying her pain will amplify my pain. Also, she’s probably told me about all of your worst qualities and moles.

If one of my friends currently has a crush on you, I will absolutely not date you.

I love my friends. At most, I like you. I’m going to prioritize, here.

If you hit on me but not my CLEARLY CUTER brown friend sitting beside me, I absolutely will not date you.

Maybe this is me showing low self esteem but whenever this happens I’m like, why dont ya go throw on a white bedsheet, you antiquated piece of garbage?

If you have been on a date with any of my friends in the past year, I will absolutely not date you.

If nothing else, why would I even feel special to be asked? Also, I’d probably rather just go on a friend date with her. We could chill and eat thai food and I wouldn’t have to worry about whether she’ll ask me to take her pants off.

If you have threatened, manipulated or abused any of my friends… uhh….

I WILL LIGHT YOUR SHIT ON FIRE.

Anyway, I feel these are simple rules to live by! Very excited by my new journey which I foresee consisting mostly of hanging out in a puddle of soft, beautiful women, lamenting the days we ever texted boys before each other.

Header photo by An Indoor Lady. Follow me on Twitter @KatieStone42

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