I hate your bike.

Yes, the environment is incredibly important to me, too.

Yeah, I totally get that we have been embroiled in conflict for decades trying to guarantee safe access to oil.

Mmmmmhmmmmm, fracking is totally fracking up west Texas.

I still don’t believe that’s why you’re a 30 year old middle class white man riding a fucking bike to work.

Bike 1Whether it’s a bicycle, a scooter, or a motorcycle, get the hell out of here if it’s your only mode of transit. Have you heard of rain? Put a roof on that thing, and a MINIMUM of two doors. I WILL NOT PICK YOU UP TO TAKE YOU TO WORK.

Your motorcycle is not sexy. I can’t wear shorts on it and it’s summer in Texas and I’m really really hot. I burned my leg on a motorcycle once and it left a big scar on my leg that still looks like a moon. My legs are fucking perfect; why would I further mar this otherwise flawless canvas? Get that shit out of your Tinder bio. It’s way more of a turn off than a turn on for anBike 3y woman over the age of 21.

Your bicycle is not sexy. If you live in a city like Chicago or New York where it’s hard to park a car and there’s great public transit, sure. I guess. Sell your car. But if you are in Austin or Atlanta or anywhere else where the mighty hand of the GOP shuts down public transit plans faster than they shut down abortion clinics, you can GTFO.

Your scooter is not only not sexy, it is actively working against you. Jesus, why does anyone own a scooter? It’s the worst of both worlds: you paid more for it than you paid for a bicycle, and it doesn’t even give you iron glutes. You can’t take it on the highway and it looks real femme. IMO, scooters are for women with A LOT of disposable income who want to look sexy whbike 4en they ride to a highly localized happy hour with their girlfriends, and NOTHING ELSE.

You need a ride to work because it’s raining? Oh, cool, I’m glad that you failed to consider that when making an enormous lifetime purchase and now getting your sorry ass to your job as a public school teacher is my responsibility. If you make 40k+ a year, you should not be riding a bike to work.

You are going to be late to a performance because you sold your car for some quick cash? Oh, good, I am so glad you are so dedicated to your dreams that you readily gave up your only way of getting to the places where you can make them a reality.

Bike 2We have to plan 3 hours ahead to only hang out in an air conditioned space because you’ve gotta make a 8 mile bike through 100 degree weather to get to our plans? Welp. I guess enjoy that. Because I am not driving across town to pick you up for the third time this week.

If you’re legitimately in tight monetary straits because you’re working absolute minimum hours to pursue your dreams, well, idk, I guess this post is not to you. If you’re a white male born into middle class privilege, I guess I feel you could find full time work and still pursue your dreams if you wanted to, but you do you. If you’re making over 30k a year and still mooching rides off your girlfriend? This is for you and your entitlement to other people’s time and resources. You better go home every night and worship at the altar of ya girl’s clitoris because you, sweetheart, do not deserve her.

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