What level of harassment do I put up with at this networking event?

 

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-11-38-45-am

Hah, you’re going to have to help me, I can’t tell beautiful women of color apart.

At a networking event, correcting those oggling you, calling you sweetheart, or asking if you have a boyfriend means offending the very same people you came to bid on opportunities from. Even if one particular delusional older man doesn’t hold the key to your future, you don’t want to rebuff him and risk his telling his powerful friends you are a shrew. How do you decide to what level you’re allowed to tell him off?

 

I’ve put together a simple guide with questions to help you on your way:

screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-11-39-08-am

I’d like to sex murder you.

  1. Is he handsome?
    Then that’s not harassment, baybay! Hop on that dick and ride it to a new job!
  2. Is he very old and unattractive?
    Old men who are unattractive but have the gall to hit on women 20 years their junior absolutely have power jobs. How the hell else do you think they got to that level of false confidence? My advice is to use phrases like “Oh, Frank, you’re bad!” and playfully back away, leaving a trail of business cards in your wake.
  3. Is he old and very handsome?
    That guy has already cheated on his wife. He probably means business. But also, handsome men often hold positions of power. Giggle flirtatiously and mention you have to get another drink of champagne. Leave the building through a back exit to avoid potentially offending this powerful man. Never give him your name or number; you are a ghost.
  4. Is he someone who could actually be hoping to get something from you?
    Listen, you’ve got assets. You’ve got experience and connections. Could this guy be hoping to date you and use your connections to his advantage? I guess, politely, you could tell this guy his behavior is inappropriate. Be sure to invite him to coffee, though, to solidify your business relationship in case he ever surpasses you and tries to hold that against you.
  5. Is he a server at the event?
    Subquestion: is he hot? I mean this guy is probably way closer to your age, and maybe he is an artist or something. If you get him to act like your boyfriend and put his arm around you, the older men will know you are already someone’s property! Don’t miss this opportunity! You can always dump him later. He’s just a server!
screen-shot-2016-09-06-at-11-39-42-am

Threesome, ladies?

Potential solutions to being harassed altogether:

  1. Wear a tarp
    This may seem unprofessional to wear at a networking event. That is absolutely true. BUT, at least the men in the room will have questions to ask instead of oggling your titties.
  2. Wear a shirt with an enormous pink triangle on it.
    But maybe add text that says “This means ‘I’m gay!’” because the older men at these functions aren’t always the hippest.
  3. Wear a full karate outfit with a black belt.
    Idk, does this sound like it would work? I think it will be a turn off for 80% of men but maybe an extreme turn on for the 20% who was really hoping to find a kinky dom to punish them for their corporate crimes.

Be sure your resume is polished but non-threatening, and get out there and get those opportunities!

Disclaimer: This post, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this piece are fictitious. No identification with actual persons, places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Even you, Jonathan.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s