What cleanse should I use to flush out 10 po boys?

When I am sad, I lose weight. When I am happy, I gain weight. This all seems reasonably fair and balanced Karma-wise, but after a month and a half of new relationship glow and 8 days in New Orleans, I have gained weight in that rapid-fire way where it all gathers in one lil tiny spot on your belly. Like Teletubbies, or everyone’s dad.

I’d like to get back to stasis and am clearly too impatient to do that via “balanced diet” and “exercise.” I’ve done it. It’s boring. You eat so many kale chips and also try a lot of bars that could probably just be rebranded “chalk-olate.” (V clever, someone snatch this idea up)

I’ve been researching cleanses online and man oh man do I have options. I am putting it to you, the people, to help me decide which of these thinly veiled eating disorders I shall abide for the next week or two.

Raw Juice Detox
Take your favorite fruits and veggies. Now throw away all of the fiber and bits that make you feel full until you have nutrient rich sugar water. Enjoy!!! (Alternatively: dissolve a Flintstone vitamin in a liter of Country Time lemonade)

Water Cleanse
On this diet, you consume nothing but water for a few days. Doctors call it “anorexia.” I call it “the cheapest of these options.”

The Master Cleanse
This is the one Piper does on OITNB- it’s like lemon and honey and cayenne in water? It doesnt sound bad, and people seem to swear by it. The only thing is sometimes I put cayenne in my coffee and then my butt hurts later. I don’t want my butt to hurt for a whole week!!! (Also the name is real goose steppy)

Poop tea
My friend who was a ballerina insisted using poop tea is NOT THE SAME as laxative-induced bulimia!!!!

Nature’s Secret’s 7 Day Cleanse
This one is poop tea plus a bunch of other stuff and boy gee howdy a bottle is only $10!

Diarrhea Diet
I heard about this one in People magazine from that Desperate Housewife who played a transwoman once? Dustin Hoffman? Anyway it’s just apples and coffee. It sounds highly effective and given how clogged I feel right now, diarrhea would be sweet release. *winks sexily*

Green Smoothie Cleanse
In this one, the fluids are already diarrhea when you put them in your mouth, so I imagine they come out a little neater.

The Goop Smoothie
According to a shockingly irreverent People op ed, “It’s almond milk, coconut oil and almond butter and six (SIX!) different powders that you can only buy at Moon Juice, a wellness and juice boutique in L.A.” As a smoothie, this only costs as much as the smoothie they make in that vitamix commercial where they blend an iPhone.

We know I’m going to expel my food way faster than is healthy, but HOW? IN WHAT WAY?

I look forward to the low blood-sugar induced hallucinations that are surely soon to come.

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