Things I plan to buy with my raise next month

I took an hours increase at work and it’s about to REVOLUTIONIZE MY LIFE. Oh, baby! A couple hundred extra a month? It’s all going to change now. Sure, I’ve got some credit card debt to pay, but with a 30% increase I should be able to buy all of the things I’ve ever wanted by the end of 2017:

  • Burrito from Chipotle WITH GUAC
  • Training daycare for my doggo to fix problem of random outbursts
  • King sized mattress & frame to fix problem of men who sleep starfish
  • Trip to Denver for my friend’s 30th to fix my incredibly high strung personality
  • Salty Sow at a time other than happy hour (outlandish)
  • Trip to LA to make sure Ella isn’t dead
  • A new dog to keep my current dog company while I am on my fancy travels
  • A live-in dog nanny, now that I think about it
  • A home that I own, preferably with a fenced yard, lofted ceilings and 2 bedrooms so my forever love and I can each have our own bedrooms
  • A forever love, preferably one with all of my favorite personality characteristics of past lovers and  who is also Alexander Skarsgard
  • A bunker in Nebraska with a beautiful farm and simple, rustic decor (a la the one in the 2nd season of Dollhouse) for when the water levels rise or North Korea bombs us or zombies are real or they come for the socialists
  • A beautiful home next to the Eagles Nest in Berchtesgaden, Germany because that part of the country is really beautiful and I’d like to gain fame in a way that really TAKES IT BACK, you know?
  • Rainwater cisterns for all of my properties
  • Homes for my friends next to my new homes
  • Food and water for my friends so they can just hang out all of the time
  • Wow how selfish I should definitely adopt some kids. Maybe some of the Russian ones who have been neglected in those awful orphanages
  • OK ALL OF THE KIDS IN ALL OF THE ORPHANAGES
  • FUCK IT ALL OF THE KIDS PERIOD SOME OF THOSE PARENTS ARENT DOING A GOOD JOB
  • HELL GIVE ME THE PARENTS TOO PEOPLE CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO GOVERN THEMSELVES
  • I AM NOW A DEMIGOD REIGNING FROM MY FARM IN NEBRASKA BECAUSE I AM SO POWERFUL THEY WILL DEFINITELY COME FOR ME
  • OH NO I FORGOT TO FIX GLOBAL WARMING
  • WE SHALL ALL PERISH
  • GET ME A FANCY ASS FUNERAL

Thanks, state of Texas! My 2017 earnings will do so much good!

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