8 great ways to stop comparing yourself to others

1. Focus on what you truly love.

For instance, it turns out I really love picking at my skin when I start to think about my past, present or future.

2. Delete your Facebook.

Actually, delete all social media. Leave group texts. Really, if you can compare heart reacts on a platform, you’ve invited the devil into your heart.

3. Spend time with friends who are not competitive.

But try not to think about the fact that they’re better at being non-competitive than you are.

4. Apply or audition for more opportunities.

But then just go ahead and block the contact who would reject you and forget you ever tried. If they really want you, they’ll call you. Come to your home? Put a fortune in a cookie? Trust the universe.

5. Throw away your scale.

More importantly, burn all of your clothes with judgmental sizes. “Small,” “Medium,” “Large.” Oh, the fashion industry thinks they can judge my body from their luxe rayon-blend towers?

6. Crush your mirror, selfie cam, and reflective surfaces such as computer screens.

You don’t need to see yourself. You’re great. Job interview? If your hair is meant to look good, it will find a way.

7. Just don’t look at or talk to people.

Especially not people who you admire. Your admiration will make you question if they admire you less. Or not at all. Oh, no, what if it’s not at all?

8. Bury yourself in a hole

But, like, be sure not to look at anyone else’s hole on the way to your plot, because, like, what if they’re nicer?

In your hole, it will be cool and quiet, which is a comparatively nice way to spend eternity, isn’t it?

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I put a feminist requirement in my OKCupid “message me if” so you don’t have to!

I re-activated my OKCupid account after a breakup in April and have been passively checking occasional messages ever since. One thing I did add in my post-breakup haste was add something to the “message me if” section. I’d stopped using this section years ago after realizing any information provided led to a trashfire of an inbox, but like in every breakup, you come away with new things to DEMAND in your next partner, and I had some DEMANDS. Read More

“Feeling alone is a fact of life”

When I was in college, I spent a year in Germany, and it was the loneliest period of my life. In a country where I had no support network, didn’t speak the language, and was cold all of the time, I could find little purchase for love or joy. I was so depressed that I pushed away the only people who I could feel close to because it was all I could think or talk about. Read More

My first ever comedic essay

People often ask, how did you get into comedy? I have a bunch of answers to that, but generally I respond thusly: my senior year of college I took a creative writing course with a personal essay component, and I did really well. My teacher told me she “fell off her stool laughing.” It felt like something I had a knack for.

Well, this month in prepping for a show I reread that essay, and it was GARBAGE. In down time at work while I wait for pages to load, I have slowly re-written it, deleting 3 pages, adding 2, over and over. Below is some semblance of what made me think I was good enough to try stand up comedy.

Lol. Read More